But we need to clear one thing up first there is nothing wrong with introversion and introverts don't need to change. Sana Qadar: That book is her first, called Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come: An Introvert's Year of Living Dangerously. Yes, I felt like it was something I lived with, but then sort of reached this pinnacle of I guess lowness, about where sort of the book begins. I felt like I was like giving myself my own glass ceiling. At work I would never want to give a presentation or volunteer for these things. ![]() The idea of walking into a room full of strangers and talking to them terrified me. Jessica Pan: I just would never go networking. Sana Qadar: Yeah right, and so as you got older, how did this manifest in your life? Like, what would you do or not do in social situations? I hated giving speeches at school and presentations, I would fake sick, I really…yeah, always, my whole life. And I didn't know how to explain to her (she was this massive extrovert) that I didn't like all this attention. Jessica Pan: I was a really shy, kid, I hated…you know, my mom would throw me these big birthday parties and she never understood why I absolutely hated them. But this is who Jessica was, this is who she'd always been. Sana Qadar: And being shy does not help when you're in that kind of situation. And it feels quite lonely when you're in this really big, bustling city and you don't actually feel like you have that many connexions. And also I had reached that age where I was in my early 30s, and so many of my friends had left the city and were having kids or had returned home, or they were just…I just felt like I didn't have any close friends left where I was in this big, massive city of London. Jessica Pan: I think it was two different things, which is that I became a freelancer and I was working from home, and you just start feeling quite lonely and you sort of watch the world go by and you don't really feel a part of it if you are the kind of person I am. Jessica's loneliness crept up on her, as her life changed in ways it inevitably does as you get older. Can an introvert learn to become more extroverted? And why making friends after your 20s is so painful. ![]() Next week we'll take a deeper look at the science of personality, but today, part one, Jessica's journey. Sana Qadar: You're listening to All in the Mind, I'm Sana Qadar, and today we've got part one of a two-parter on introversion vs extroversion, the benefits and downsides of each, how these traits can impact our mental health, and whether we can change, if we want to. Jessica Pan: I just sort of hit this rock-bottom moment where I thought, am I using this label of introvert to say no to absolutely anything that gives me anxiety? And what would happen if I finally let go of that and just sort of did all the things that scared me? What would happen? Sana Qadar: And for the most part Jessica was fine with her 'shintroversion', until the loneliness crept in. And then there are introverts who also need to be alone to recharge but who would be absolutely terrified to give a speech because they are also shy. Basically, introversion is a spectrum and there are introverts who enjoy public speaking, but they need to be alone to recharge after a party. Jessica Pan: So 'shintrovert' is a word I made up, it's not technical, and it just stands for 'shy introvert'. You see, Jessica was a lifelong introvert, actually a 'shintrovert'. The Midnight Oil Award was the final indignity, and it sparked a year-long quest to see if she could change a key aspect of her personality, one she felt was responsible for so many of her troubles. When this all went down, she was in her early 30s, wondering what had happened to her journalism career, and feeling deeply lonely. Sana Qadar: This is dubious award-winner Jessica Pan. And that was one of the things that tipped me off the edge really. You don't want to be rewarded just for staying late at work, it's really embarrassing. And I was so offended and so hurt by it because I wanted to be noticed for creativity or my ideas or things like that. And at the end of the ceremony they finally started announcing this award and it was for the person who gave their life over to it and stayed really late and had no life because they worked so much and it was the Midnight Oil Award, and they thought it was this huge compliment. Jessica Pan: So I worked at this advertising creative agency and they did this annual award ceremony where they award people for funny things or silly things, and I was sitting in the audience, obviously not wanting attention but waiting for my award because I had worked really hard at this job, I had stayed up late, I'd given so much to it.
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